Anger gets me the worst. I am usually either quiet, or if not I am happy. I like my life style, and I love the people around me. I confuse myself because my heart tells me I am happy, but my thoughts yell for me to be angry, to be frustrated, to be stressed. I find hatred seething into my sight with no given warning or reason. It is blinding and obscures my vision to a point where I have to cry to get out the frustration. The anger is something new that I do not understand yet and I do not know how to react to it. Sometimes I feel it escalating out of control when I am in public, and I silence myself and act normal. It is not hard to act. I do not hide my personality and problems behind masks, I just be who I know I am. I am not an angry person. I know that I have a happy personality, and that is what makes me question myself even more.
I assume I do not have a mental illness, such as depression, ADD, or being bi-polar, since I have never experienced such anger and stress until this year. I believe it may be large life decisions like college, yet feel suppressed and frustrated because my choices for college are not mine to make. That does make me feel angry, but it’s more natural because I am given a reason to be mad. Otherwise, my life does not provide me any other reason. I will just see a person I do not know personally and just feel my emotions fly to unreasonable proportions. I become mad at them, my mind convincing my self that they deserve my anger and they should know it. I want to emotionally attack them and damage their self-esteem. I think these horrible thoughts and always realize what I am doing. I know it is wrong and am better off without the random thoughts of anger, but I feel as if it is uncontrolled instinct every time.
Then there is being tired. Since it has started to become cooler out, school and my second job started, I have lost a large amount of sleep compared to my common amount. I drag myself around in the morning, nodding my head on the brink of sleep during late night shifts at my first job, and skipping my homework assignments until the next day. The dark skin around my eyes seemed almost natural at first, until they expanded to a slight dark, pale, blue atop of my skin underneath my eyes. I yawn in the middle of the day, find myself loosing focus during my last class everyday, and putting off my chores. I can easily connect my anger to my lack of sleep, but I know that when I have great amounts of sleep in a past experience my attitude was different. I am a happy person, I do not understand how my attitude towards the world is spiraling in a different direction that I want it to.
Very interesting post Tyler! I can really relate to how you feel. I too sometimes feel happy when my thoughts push me to be angry. I think every high school senior experiences the feeling of being angry and tired because there is so much for us to do and overcome. Great job Tyler!
ReplyDeleteI know the cause for all this anger you have built up. Cam Thissel and I have constructed a voodoo doll with locks of your hair. Every Tuesday, during our study, we insert a needle into the anger part of your voodoo doll head. By the properties of science, you get angrier every week. In all seriousness though, I can relate with you. The stress that seniors accumulate is crazy. You should see me when I'm driving, I get furious if some goes any less than five over the speed limit. So most of my anger is directed to elders that probably don't deserve it.
ReplyDeleteI know how you feel about the ice rink keeping you up from sleep. I go from field hockey to the rink and never get any homework done on Mondays. But those college choices you feel aren't yours to make are yours! You have more choices than I think you realize.
ReplyDeleteWord.
ReplyDeleteYou may not feel this way, but I blame school for the reason we feel so crappy all the time. We have jobs and endless amounts of homework to worry about, on top of meaningless arguments with boyfriends/girlfriends, friends, family. Eventually, it gets to be annoying and frustrating. Just typing out the reasons why I'm aggravated is already aggravating me.
Then we have to wake up early and go to school surrounded my three years worth of students who know less than us and think the best way to navigate high school hallways is to simply stand in the middle of everything. No. This is not how high school works, my friends.
So Tyler. I totally feel you on this one. Senior year is probably going to be the worst year of high school, in terms of work load and sleep deprivation. However, we're that much closer to college. Look to the bright sides. We're almost out of this hell hole, and all this hard work will pay off in some small way at least.