Anger gets me the worst. I am usually either quiet, or if not I am happy. I like my life style, and I love the people around me. I confuse myself because my heart tells me I am happy, but my thoughts yell for me to be angry, to be frustrated, to be stressed. I find hatred seething into my sight with no given warning or reason. It is blinding and obscures my vision to a point where I have to cry to get out the frustration. The anger is something new that I do not understand yet and I do not know how to react to it. Sometimes I feel it escalating out of control when I am in public, and I silence myself and act normal. It is not hard to act. I do not hide my personality and problems behind masks, I just be who I know I am. I am not an angry person. I know that I have a happy personality, and that is what makes me question myself even more.
I assume I do not have a mental illness, such as depression, ADD, or being bi-polar, since I have never experienced such anger and stress until this year. I believe it may be large life decisions like college, yet feel suppressed and frustrated because my choices for college are not mine to make. That does make me feel angry, but it’s more natural because I am given a reason to be mad. Otherwise, my life does not provide me any other reason. I will just see a person I do not know personally and just feel my emotions fly to unreasonable proportions. I become mad at them, my mind convincing my self that they deserve my anger and they should know it. I want to emotionally attack them and damage their self-esteem. I think these horrible thoughts and always realize what I am doing. I know it is wrong and am better off without the random thoughts of anger, but I feel as if it is uncontrolled instinct every time.
Then there is being tired. Since it has started to become cooler out, school and my second job started, I have lost a large amount of sleep compared to my common amount. I drag myself around in the morning, nodding my head on the brink of sleep during late night shifts at my first job, and skipping my homework assignments until the next day. The dark skin around my eyes seemed almost natural at first, until they expanded to a slight dark, pale, blue atop of my skin underneath my eyes. I yawn in the middle of the day, find myself loosing focus during my last class everyday, and putting off my chores. I can easily connect my anger to my lack of sleep, but I know that when I have great amounts of sleep in a past experience my attitude was different. I am a happy person, I do not understand how my attitude towards the world is spiraling in a different direction that I want it to.